I took a couple of weeks off from GaryMo Mondays. I'm not sure why, but the words just wouldn't come.
February has been weird in the Lou'. There was the Snowmaggedon that wasn't, but it was COLD...really cold on Groundhog Day 'cause we spent the day with no heat in the house. It's fixed now. And now we don't need it because we're having unseasonably warm temperatures.
Oh...and my mother passed away on Groundhog Day too.
I don't mean to be flippant about it, but that's just kinda how it happened.
It just...happened.
It just...happened.
I knew she had been sick. I knew it could be serious. But...I haven't spoken to my mother in over 4 years. And I just didn't know what to do. I was paralyzed. Numb.
Then I got word that she died.
I'm still generally numb.
I've been struggling with feelings of guilt and regret for the last two weeks. Some might think "Good...you should feel that way." But hold on...I'm not feeling guilty for the reasons you might think. I feel guilty because I don't feel...ANYTHING.
NUMB!
Maybe it's because we hadn't spoken in so long. Maybe it's because there were also 2000 miles that separated us. Maybe it's because my relationship with my mother changed dramatically over 10 years ago and I've dealt with the loss already.
I don't know.
Why am I writing all this under the heading "What does the Kingdom of God really look like?" Because while I've been dealing with this, my friend Katie posted her take on that question. As I read it, this quote struck me:
Quite simply: the Kingdom of God is His presence. It is a Holy God choosing to dwell in the hearts and lives of unholy people. It is love. It is grace. It is relationship.She's right. I am surrounded by unholy people with the God of the universe dwelling in their hearts. And they have loved on me so well...and shown me the Kingdom of God.
In all my brokenness, with all my faults, whether they agree with how I've handled my relationship with my mother or not...they still love me. They still accept me. They've reminded me that guilt and regret are not from God. They've spoken truth to me about what I need to do now and how I stay true to the person that God has called me to be.
THIS is love. THIS is grace. THIS is relationship.
THIS is the Kingdom of God.
And I'm so thankful to be a small part of it.
wow, michael!
ReplyDeletea) i feel like a terrible friend because i had no idea about your mom.
b) i'm so amazed & humbled at the way God works. this post captures why i write. i write because i can't not write. and i think that's probably God-orchestrated. and to see what He can do with our simple acts of obedience like writing a blog post is pretty incredible.
c) i think you've nailed it - community, true Biblical community who loves unconditionally and in truth, is the Kingdom of God!